Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tight-fisted

Tenpasenta Church home
Life, nobody survives, so plan your funeral early to avoid disappointment.


  Uk funeral pyre  
All of our cremations take place daily at the far end of our car park from 11 am-5 pm.
We have space for 12 cremations at once, so bring some friends along and join the fun, soft drinks available. Why not wrap some potatoes in tin foil and add to the pyre for a great mid-way snack.Budget funerals
The deceased can be cremated in a painted or natural Budget cardboard coffin box, any unpainted wooden coffin, naked or wrapped in a shroud of your choice. To be honest we feel it's a shame to burn a good quality cardboard coffin box as they could be put to better use at home, up in the loft or on top of the wardrobe as dust-proof storage for your nicknacks.
Uk funeral pyre We don't officially accept bodies for cremation from the boot of a car during daylight hours, ring for details about this service and the heavy costs involved.

We will supply enough wood for a three-hour burn, extra wood is available for £15 per bundle, enough for a further 30 minutes, please don't bring any treated wood like fencing, this is not acceptable due to its high smoke production. Swan Vesta kitchen matches are available at only £5 per box, feel free to bring your own combustibles from home, petrol can be added with caution, just watch your eyebrows, NO diesel.
The use of part worn tyres is strictly prohibited.

Uk funeral pyre We adhere to Ganges municipal pyre building standards 1935. Fly tipping pyre


Our new budget creamtor We have recommissioned one of our indoor cremators for selected budget customers!
Apparently, Southampton City Council are not impressed with our pyre cremation service, so to comply with by-laws we are shifting the majority of customers to our indoor service, we have to charge £150 extra for this to cover the use of gas, but you will get a free paper bag containing your loved ones remains!

It's expected that by February 2020 we will have recommissioned four of our old cremators, we are having to re-brick the retorts with bricks of higher density Aluminium oxide, whatever that is, apparently our Ashes2bricks don't appear to be up to the job.

Cremation flames with body
Direct cremation: (not to be confused with our Premium service.)
  • Removal of deceased from a hospital mortuary or hospice.
  • Care of the deceased on a fridge shelf.
  • A simple cardboard coffin with name.
  • Conveyance to the crematorium in a van of our choice.
  • A funeral operative to trolley the coffin into the crematorium.
  • Our Crematorium fee
  • Doctors' fees for cremation certificates
  • Scattering of cremated remains into skip.
  • Only £500 or £1700 including disbursements.
    Pay by Up Front for only £1650 guaranteed price.
    up Check out the video above for an example of our direct cremation service, we do not return remains to the family, but you can have a random box full if you like, £35 per kg


    Ashes can be spread by our resident grave digger Brian, he'll even be wearing a smart suit if you like, we only charge £15, and this is just to cover his hefty shoe cleaning bills.
    Our spreading service is a very popular choice with those who worry about the ash blowing back onto themselves.
    If you wished to keep the ashes for some morbid reason, we have a wide selection of Budget urns available from £10.
    Because of the very large amount of ash leftovers from pyre cremations we suggest you pick out your own selection of the remains for us to spread or for you to keep. Remaining ashes are brushed into Southampton water at high tide, if you feel this sweeping option is a good idea for your loved ones remains, let us know, and we'll charge you £20 for the privilege of watching.
    human ashes pile Human ashes Ash spreading
    crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
    This site is not suitable for churchy types


    Shroud Dad on pyre
    Thanks to finding some old stock, you can now buy our fabulous pure Nylon golden funeral shrouds. These hand boxed shrouds will give any Budget cremation a truly Premium look until burnt, and at only £55 these £10 items will also enhance the burning effect of the pyre by being highly flammable themselves, the box may just be big enough for your choice of the remaining ashes, becoming a splendid urn, a great two in one product.
    To enhance that premium look, why not buy some cardboard cut-out flowers, we have a wide selection starting at only £15,99.
    Don't let a great opportunity go to waste, Embalmers Choice hot dogs on sticks are available from the church gift shop at reasonable prices.
    Cooking sausages
    buy your afterlife here


    We offer a "shrubbery" option where we can spread all of the cremated remains over a large area in our neighbour's field, this is then allowed to become wild and overgrown.
    This really is a beautiful way to lay your loved ones remains to rest and it doesn't cost a fortune.
    As a side note we'd like to point out that some council crematoriums may say they will also spread the ashes in a shrubbery, which sounds nice, but in reality they often just bury bags full once a month in a common grave, so it pays you to pay us, at least you get honesty.
    Human ashes in shrubbery
    new gif Our new budget columbarium is now open! columbarium
    buy your afterlife here
    We kindly ask that patrons ensure that their loved one is fully cremated before going home.
    There have been occasions when the corpse has been left in a partially cremated state, this is very annoying because it means we have to finish the job. You can expect to be billed the expense of petrol and wood, and we will go through the civil court process to reclaim these costs if necessary.
    Cleaning up a partial cremation is not just a £250 fee, but we will jump about on the remains for a while and put the video on Youtube. Clean up your dead.

    We are also concerned about news in the media concerning body parts being washed up on local beaches, the bereaved are respectfully reminded that they must ensure their loved one is fully consumed by the pyre before going home.

    blow me partially cremated body Crypt Advisor
    Hip implants cremated We would like to remind all of those using our funeral pyres that they should put all femoral components left after the cremation of a loved one into the recycle bins provided and not thrown into the River Itchen. These parts can contain valuable metals which we like to have recycled for cash.
    femoral components cremated
    face mask Respirator
    One thing that many Budget cremation customers forget is the bloody awful clouds of stinking smoke produced by the funeral pyre (but to be honest this can smell quite like a nice summer barbecue once the fuel has burned off). We offer the very best protective equipment available for your nose and lungs.
    Our entry-level offering is one of those dust masks that Chinese people like to wear at the slightest sign of dust or swine flu, only £1.80 each
    For the main stoker, military-grade masks and visors are advisable, this will cost £25 rental for the day, additional filters are available from only £5.50 each.
    Protecting your clothes from the smoke is your problem, we don't recommend mourners come in rented suits, they could lose their deposits.
    dead Burns victim
    Burns Victim
    We are pleased to offer victims of fires a discount on all cremations! The amount of discount will depend on how badly the loved one was consumed by fire, but can be as much as 80% for a fully consumed corpse.
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    gold award southampton Council
    Southampton Council
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